What is Shame and How Does it Affect Me?
Let’s start with a definition of shame. Shame is the painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper or ridiculous. Shame is an intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed. Shame has everything to do with there is something wrong with me. There is something that is not ok with me. I am bad. I am bad and so I don’t deserve love and belonging.
I like to describe it as a feeling of being cloaked in shame. It’s an intense feeling that covers us and we feel it in our whole bodies. It’s different than let’s say anxiety that we might feel in our stomach or tension in our neck or upper back. Shame we feel all over us. It’s a very unpleasant feeling that occurs all over and we want out of it or the situation fast.
So therefore, shame wants us to hide. It's so unpleasant. When we feel shame we might find that we want to isolate ourselves from others, hide, not let anyone ‘see’ us. Or, when we feel shame we might find that we respond with anger toward ourselves or those around us. But that anger is just a response to the shame. My friend or husband might share a comment related to my appearance, let’s say they let us know we have something wrong with your clothes or hair. While they were trying to be helpful I may feel shame and feel as if something is wrong with me. I may even get angry and get mad at the other person. Or, I might internally think about things wrong with that person to make myself feel better. But, shame always separates us from others.
What Happens When I Feel Shame?
The following tends to go offline when we are feeling shame:
Body regulation
Fear modulation
Attuned communication
Emotional balance
Response flexibility
Empathy (feel)
Insight (see clearly & wisely)
Intuition
Morality
These functions become disconnected to each other in the presence of shame. I become disintegrated in my mind and to those around me. There is a separation from me and you. I don't want to look at you because I feel it more intensely. There begins a disconnection. Shame can pollute relationships and disrupt the development of deep, meaningful connections with others.
Shame is Self Perpetuating
Shame is self perpetuating. Shame begets shame. Or some call it cycles of shame. After looking at porn I feel shame. In my shame I isolate and begin to feel lonely, restless, discontent. In order to feel better I look at porn again. The shame is part of the cycle of looking at porn. Or what about body image. I weigh myself and I feel shame. I start obsessing about what and how much I’m eating and how others see me. In order to feel better and to feel comfort, I overeat on a comforting food. I feel shame after I overeat. Shame can be deeply embedded into the cycles of struggle with have. Shame can be the source of destructive, hurtful behavior.
The Difference Between Guilt and Shame
Sometimes the difference between guilt and shame can be confusing. Guilt says I have done something wrong. Shame says I am bad. Shame is a focus on self, guilt is a focus on behavior. But in large, if someone commits an act and they feel guilty and we have a secure relationship with them, we can turn toward that person to help them repair. Shame does the opposite. In shame we turn away. Shame has a feature of condemnation. This sense that I feel and believe that I'm a bad person. We become agents of condemnation in our shame. Shame lingers and tells us something is still wrong.
In counseling, shame is a common source of pain we treat, especially when it’s an on-going nagging feeling we carry into our relationships or cycles of behavior. Work today to notice how many times you feel shame. Keep a tally on your phone or on a notecard of each time you feel this emotion. It’s surprising how much shame can be a constant companion. Recognizing it’s happening and then noticing our response to it is the first step in the healing journey.